Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
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[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Bring back the McRib
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that