Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Kids: Stay in school.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
So glad we cleared that up
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when