Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Would you wear it?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.