Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
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me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses