Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
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NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day