Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
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The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers