Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
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Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
blocked.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start