Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.