Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
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My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time