Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
You Might Also Like
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments