Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
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I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Love the Deepseek app, using it to organize all my finances and passwords. They make it so easy
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.