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I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
where the womens at?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!