Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
You Might Also Like
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.