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In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning