[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
look scared
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’