Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.