Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night