Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]

Me: GET A JOB!!

Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby

Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t