Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.