Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

no one ever comes back