Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
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You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.