Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
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So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Why is everyone getting married at me
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
your honor my client chooses dare
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.