Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
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Me, in DM rooms…
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
No Google it does not
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
As a snake owner, I too am concerned about the recent rash of pet disappearances.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
💀💀
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH