Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
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“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
This is my bus stop.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
The median voter
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face