Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
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Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
#CatsOnTwitter
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?