Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot