Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
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No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
#catsoftwitter
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why