Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow