Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest

three old guys: heyyyyy

little boy playing the drums: whaddup

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

🤣

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato