Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

courtroom exchange of the day

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.