Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
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woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.