Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
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9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
