Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
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Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Hang in there buddy
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.