Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore