Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.