Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”