I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
You Might Also Like
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don’t want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Since the invention of the smart phone, how many times have you clicked a desktop icon once and waited for a response.
Ok, just me?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.