[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.