Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

going to the ER y’all need anything

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ

“OMG HOW”

Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.