Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.