Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

So inspired right now.

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift