Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

The Joker was right

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now