Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
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What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.