@Rollinintheseat

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

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@HenpeckedHal

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

@Mr_Kapowski

Parenting Tip: If your kid gets peanut butter in their hair, rub gum in it to get it out

@UncleDuke1969

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

@CaniacMONK

*Sees thing on floor

*Vacuums over said thing

*Vacuum cant pick it up

*Picks up thing

*Looks at it

*Puts it back on the floor to vacuum

@brendohare

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

@ddsmidt

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

@DaddyJew

I like to tell people my English is bad so they think I’m a foreigner when in reality I’m really just stupid

@mikeym00n

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

@AndRyanTF

You ever watch a really stupid person for like 10 mins and wonder how they haven’t been hit by a train or carried off by a giant eagle yet?