Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
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centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Perfect
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
When I pack too much for a short trip.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
This fish is cracking me up
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Tell me you get it…🤣
