Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
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No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)