Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
this has done me in for some reason
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
