Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Sunday
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
5 ways to appear taller
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
when you order from DoorDastardly
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
