Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
You Might Also Like
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken