Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
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[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
This is the one
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Do not steal food from the science building!
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
kitchen magnet
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.