Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
You Might Also Like
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.