Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
You Might Also Like
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Stop sending me this shit.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.