Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
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Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Always…
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.