Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
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The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no