“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
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doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.