Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

My typo game is string.

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

this came to me in a vision

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get