Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

That’s as old as the hills

hills: (offended) Hey

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory