Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

Still my favourite meme.

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

Lucky for them, they’re cute

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in