Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
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I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Me, at 15: I鈥檓 going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I鈥檓 going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I鈥檓 going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that鈥檚 my voice
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it鈥檇 be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I don鈥檛 always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn鈥檛 you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you鈥檙e only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Canada鈥檚 Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever鈥檚 responsible is in some hot water.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 馃幎
Him: Mom what鈥檚 a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we鈥檙e lovers?
Stranger:馃槼
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I鈥檝e also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.