Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.
I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.
Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.
If only he knew the truth.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
