Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

Support your local cemetery

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now