Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
You Might Also Like
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
#parenting
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*