Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
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Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no