Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die