Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
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A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.