Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?