Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room