Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

The Sun

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”