Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
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me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!