Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”