Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
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Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.