Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.