Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
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ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Strangers have the best candy.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out