Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
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I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
O Wise One….
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
lol
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.