“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
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in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
marvel comics have peaked
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
some Old Testament wisdom
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato