Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

My Sentiments Exactly

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.