Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

Spoiler Alert: I was late

Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…

It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff