Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.