Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
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“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
FINE, I WON’T.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.