Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
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MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
water it, i dare you
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
🙋♀️
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do